Relationship Facts (1)

Knowledge empowers love…

Knowledge is power because it has an intangible but indisputable ability to set free from different kinds of bondage. A friend once told me he heard Myles Munroe say "what sustains a marital relationship isn't really love but knowledge." Though I didn't directly listen to the message to understand the context within which he made that profound statement, but my acquaintance with him through books and tapes made it possible for me to have a glimpse of what he meant, and I largely agreed to the saying. My direct experience coupled with the experiences of many other persons I've come to encounter of recent has made me rethink on the assertion and proven it true more than I'd been convinced earlier. Love is one of the foundational things to the initiation of a marital relationship, but people who made decisions on marital relationship and hoped to continue to sustain the relationship solely on the basis of especially the pristine hot "in love" experience soon ended up with dashed hopes as many realities unaware of, and unprepared for, set in during the course of the relationship. Love is primary in every relationship, but for it to earn us the best we desire out of our most cherished relationship--marital--love must ride on the wings of knowledge. When we are aware of certain facts about relationship, we are better prepared for the challenges that will almost surely surface and are also better able to face them and overcome them, thereby making our marital life more enriched and fulfilling as God desires.

Anything like destined spouse?

One major fact we need to be aware of is the fact that there is nothing like you having one particular person somewhere who has been irrevocably destined to be married to you, such that not being able to “get” her/him would mean a life time of misery resulting from missing out on God’s plan for your life. There is nothing like that! Put differently, there are more than one single person suitable for each individual on earth to marry. You have heart desires, God knows them. And He does not necessarily take pleasure in violating them or imposing on you just anyone against your wish whether or not you love the person. In fact, if you don't love someone, no reason is justifiable enough to warrant you going into marriage with such person. God knows your heart desires, and He's willing to respect it. However, His being all knowing and wiser than all makes Him worthy of being involved in our decisions—not just when it comes to marital issues but in all things. And the role He plays—in the person of the Holy Ghost—is the friendship role of helping you get the best with respect to your core genuine heart desires. I said genuine because the desires could be detrimental ones if they result from an un-renewed mind. So a primary thing is a prior lifestyle of mind renewal through the word so that your desires could be in synchrony with God's. If you seem not convinced about this fact, or you believe otherwise, could you try proffering answers to the following questions?

·        What happens to the destined counterpart of anyone who dies at any point in time before marriage? Could it be that he/she also dies wherever he/she is? Or perhaps such people don't have anyone destined for them, God having destined them to die before getting married. Funny!

·        What about a kind of situation where a man, for example, loves a lady and receives a conviction to go into a relationship and for one cause or the other, the lady dies, what becomes of the man who had her as the only "destined" lady for her? I guess he’s not supposed to marry again lest he marries another man’s destined wife.

Perhaps these scenarios are too extreme. Nevertheless, the aim is to reveal convincingly or make so obvious how erroneous that assumption is, however spiritual it might seem to look. You may be wondering, what is the essence of dealing with an issue that is as controversial as this? Why bother ourselves with such things? But assuredly, whichever side to which you belong in this issue could have serious implications on your relationship as you will soon find out.

Implication…

An implication of this is a situation where a brother, with renewed mind, not really having issues with lust of the flesh, who is in a relationship which he had previously had a conviction to go into, but now finds himself seeming to be attracted to another lady. This could even happen to a man already in a marriage relationship. This is not necessarily because something is really wrong with the brother. In fact, most sincere married men confide in marriage counselors to have faced such situation at one point or the other. The reason for this is usually because the go-ahead you could have received in your spirit earlier to go into the relationship is based on a premise that must be simply understood. Whether or not you consciously realize it, you have some core heart desires as to what you would love to have in a wife. And what the Holy Spirit does is to help you choose the person who best satisfies these desires and even other desires and needs of yours that you are yet to be aware of. He helps you choose the most suitable available lady within your reach. This is the reason why if for any reason whatsoever the person fails to go into relationship with you—for example, by reason of death, or refusal on her own part—the Holy Spirit can lead you to another person at a later time. It should not result in any confusion as to whether God changes His mind or not—you and your mind are the key players here, not God! If you have been rightly and truly led, another thing you soon notice in the relationship is compatibility between you and suitability of the person for you which you start seeing during the course of the relationship beyond what you were ever aware of before you went into the relationship. It could be so exciting to young folks who just entered into a relationship! This is not to imply that you will never see any area of difference at certain points at all, but the extent of compatibility in purpose and vision in life could be amazing. Oh how sweet it is to engage the spirit in making any decision whatsoever! How much costly pain it would save us from!

The right response…

So as time goes on in your relationship or marriage, you may stumble across someone else who also possess significant portion of those core qualities you so desire—who could have been a potential spouse had you not chosen your present spouse—and you are likely to be attracted even though you still love your spouse. A common response among believers is to start feeling guilty for feeling that way. And this guilt could be so dangerous that it can eventually drag one through the mud of adultery. But really, the best response to this is to realize the reason behind that feeling as spelt out above, and then remind ourselves of the fact that we've made a decision to stick to one particular lady and to show her as much love as possible. One of the core qualities of human, especially the new creation, is the ability to make a decision and consciously stand by it, no matter how he may feel at any time. If you have some difficulty doing this, then go to God in prayer to help you overcome it. Having this knowledge would save many from struggling with this feeling. Embarking on a relationship or marriage is a decision, and commitment is the anchor that holds it in place.

A sure way to guard yourself against this…

Another thing that can almost eradicate the chance of facing such situation is to cherish and enrich your relationship through constant fellowship with your spouse. It requires effort and time like every other thing of value. But the ultimate dividends are huge and incomparable with the efforts input. With an enriched relationship, which is achieved over a long time, no amount of a mere passing feeling of attraction can stand as threat in any degree. Intentionally enriching your relationship through consistent conscious show of unconditional love (agape) over a long time multiplies your initial love for each other to a magnitude that makes it impervious to any attack beyond even the ones discussed in this write-up. (It is noteworthy at this junction to point out that though the man has been consistently addressed here, it is for simplicity sake, and these facts are almost as true of females as they are of males.) This kind of love is possible through nothing else but by receiving the life of God—the author of Agape--into your being through Christ. You say what has this got to do with eternal life again? But you know what, there is no substitute to eternal life and godliness when it comes to working out a relationship the way God really designed it to be. Godliness is profitable unto all things, the bible says.

I call you blessed…

For those already married, put this knowledge in its right perspective and bask in the conjugal bliss of the marital life. And for those just going into a relationship or still in a pre-marriage relationship (courtship), I congratulate you for getting to know this early, as this would exempt you from the pain of guilt or even crashed relationships that could result from being ignorant of this fact. Have a blessed relationship. I wish you the best!